Thoughts That Todd Hasn't Had

New Drinking Game

2010-03-17T20:14:00.002-05:00

Sitting home alone on St. Patrick's Day, I invented a new drinking game. You watch Ghost Hunters on SyFy and drink every time something retarded happens.

Last Moments

2010-03-16T10:33:00.000-05:00

I had a dream last night that the Earth was thrust out of its orbit around the Sun and sent hurtling through space. There were mere minutes before it would become too cold for life to exist. With this knowledge I then proceeded to 1- call my parents and 2- make a sandwich. Good to know unconscious me still has its priorities straight.

Neologism

2009-02-15T19:12:00.002-06:00

You know how the word "tragedy" refers to an event that is tragic? Well, I have an idea for a new word. From now on, you should call any event that feels magical as a "magedy".

Example:

"How was your date last night?"
"Great! It was a complete magedy."

eDialogue #33: On The Nature Of Hell

2009-02-03T17:45:00.004-06:00

Instead of reposting, check out the conversation on Cameron's blog.

eDialogue #32: Dating Advice

2009-01-26T20:34:00.001-06:00

Joey: I really don't want to date anyone right now

Sean: blah, blah, blah

Joey: well, i couldn't really date someone right now and focus fully on the stuff i need to do, and now is the time to focus on the stuff i need to do

Sean: just stop being a pussy, do a shot of whiskey, grab the nearest pretty girl, and kiss her like you're going off to war

Joey: hahaha

Joey: that might be the most well put dating advice you've ever given

Sean: which is saying a lot, considering how wise I am when it comes to dating advice

New Video Game Idea

2009-01-09T13:22:00.003-06:00

I think Nintendo needs to come out with a pot smoking video game for the Wii that includes a joint accessory controller.

They can call it "WiiD".

Thanks, Anyways

2008-12-15T11:12:00.003-06:00

So, I have been really sick this past week, desperately trying to overcome strep throat. This wasn't your run of the mill strep throat, mind you. It was the kind that shanks you in the gut, then turns you over and makes you its bitch. After getting worse the day following a (painful) shot of penicillin in the ass cheek instead of getting better, the doctor informed me she didn't want me being home by myself. Thus I was forced to get my mom to spend the night with me. The following is the actual conversation following her arrival:

MOM: I brought you pineapple!

ME: Uh . . . great, mom.

MOM: You always loved pineapple!

ME: I did? What, when I was like four or something?

MOM: No, all growing up and through high-school.

ME: Huh. Did you ever actually hear me say I loved pineapple? Or maybe did you just always buy pineapple, and I ate it because we had it?

MOM: Oh . . . maybe that was it . . .

It was at the moment I could see her heart breaking. Also, she took the pineapple with her when she left the next day.

TH

2008-11-14T10:06:00.002-06:00

I think I'm going to start conveying laughter in IM's and text messages with the phrase "tee-hee".

Better Late Than Never

2008-10-16T16:01:00.004-05:00

I never had a chance to give you a Valentine's card on the traditional day, so I gave you a belated one several months later.

It had a squirrel wearing a straight jacket on it and said, "I'm just nuts for you!"

Not finding it humorous, you just pushed me away upon reading it and sobbed.

Perhaps I should have waited until after your mother's funeral.

They Are So Very Similar

2008-10-09T14:30:00.001-05:00

Sean: old one, but don't know if you have seen it: http://thoughtsthattoddhasnthad.blogspot.com/2008/09/vulnerability.html

Melanie: your charm did not dissipate whilst i was gone. i was worried about that.

Sean: I've got charm spilling out of places I didn't even know existed.

Melanie: you may need a bandage for that

Sean: hmm

Sean: good point

Sean: now that you mention it, I'm not sure if that is charm or puss

They Looked Soft

2008-10-07T17:26:00.003-05:00

"I like you," she said. "I think you're cool."

Funny how getting caught trying on her underwear seems to change that.

Yes

2008-10-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

So a guy likes putting a little glitter on his chest before going out.

Does that really make him less of a man?

Transatlantic Flight

2008-10-01T12:33:00.002-05:00

breath condenses
on the rounded window
as strangers surround me
asleep
on miniature disposable pillows

I can still see the stars
bright above
a vast body of water
bisected by a jagged
stretch of metal
lit by a crimson flash
rhythmically beating

despite the pollution
of light leaking across
the multi-paned glass
from overhead screens
telling me our altitude
speed
and time to destination

33,997 feet
576 miles per hour
4 hours and 19 minutes to go

plenty of time
to figure out how
my plan to not kidnap a child
went wrong

eDialogue #31: I Blame The Cummerbund

2008-09-18T14:05:00.003-05:00

Lauren: why do you love to be the martyr

Lauren: I can't imagine it getting you laid

Sean: I guess I don't really do it to get laid

Sean: I mean, let's be honest. If I took that into account, there would be a lot of things I'd be doing differently.

Lauren: like less pictures of yourself naked?

Lauren: because, let's face it:

Lauren: instant turn off

Sean: which is why I always insist on keeping my clothes on during sex

Lauren: hahaha, hot

Sean: which really makes it difficult to score with chicks you meet at really formal events

Sean: ever try to have sex with a tuxedo on?

Sean: NOT easy

Displacement

2008-09-16T12:16:00.006-05:00

After finding my hidden stash of pornography, you confronted me worriedly, accusing me of secretly wanting "these types of things" in our relationship.

You were right . . .

Not because of the myriad of unusual and lewd acts portrayed within.

But because of how happy they all looked.

Cat-astrophe!

2008-09-11T11:10:00.002-05:00

I generally try to avoid telling funny stories about my cat, because I always feel like one of those parents telling completely uninteresting stories about their kid that they think is so cute, but really makes everyone else want to gag. This one was so great, though, that I just have to share it.

I was sitting at home the other day, going about my usual business when I hear an odd clunking noise coming from upstairs. Initially I think nothing of it, but as time goes on I keep hearing it - *CLUNK* - *CLUNK* - *CLUNK*. So finally I venture up there to investigate and am shocked to discover that my cat had been having quite the heyday . . . and made quite the mess!

It seems as if my little feline friend had gotten into my closet and was playing with a bloody severed head from one of the decapitated hooker bodies I had stored in there.

Oy vey!!

The End / Naughty Scientists

2008-09-09T12:59:00.006-05:00

I hardly think it is coincidence that my 100th blog will be posted on the eve of the Large Hadron Collider's initial run. That feels like a good, complete number to end my blog on in time for the solar system to be consumed by the rapacious gravitational appetite of a man-made black hole.

So to both celebrate the completion of my blog and to mourn the destruction of mankind, I will be performing a few test runs of my own tonight with my Large Hard-On Collider.

Seriously though, how many times do you think female scientists working there over the next several years will have to endure their male coworkers referring to their crotch as that and asking if they can discover their Higgs-bosom?

Vulnerability

2008-09-03T12:55:00.001-05:00

You say you have a problem with opening yourself up and becoming emotionally intimate with others.

I don't mind, though, because you talk in your sleep. At night I listen as you reveal all your innermost desires, hopes, dreams, secrets, and your darkest confessions. When you wake, I feel closer to you than any person I have known.

Which will make it that much harder to spend all that reward money after turning you in to the police.

Secret Messages

2008-09-02T10:43:00.001-05:00

No one has yet discovered the secret messages hidden in my posts.

But when they do, they will realize my true brilliance.

And the final phase of my plan for world domination will be complete.

. . . And finally I will be loved.

Seriously, I Apologize In Advance For This One

2008-08-29T15:49:00.003-05:00

You know that saying, "it's not the size that matters, it's how you use it?" I think there's probably a lot of truth to that.

Take me, for example. I have a huge cock. No idea what to do with it.

Pass / Fail

2008-08-27T16:38:00.004-05:00

I saw you had written on your myspace that you like it when a guy breaks the rules.

Which is why I thought you were just testing me . . .

. . . when the judge read out the terms of the restraining order.

Tried And True Technique

2008-08-26T13:03:00.002-05:00

Sean: that's pretty much my only method of getting girls to sleep with me

Sean: getting them drunk

Sean: well, that and by ringing the bell at the top of those tests of strengths you hit with a big mallet at state fairs

Sean: those are the only two things I am good at

Lauren: oh yeah

Lauren: I remember that

Sean: yeah, so I always do the same thing for first dates

Sean: "Hey, let's go to the fair!"

Sean: "Here, I brought this flask."

Lauren: she should do a shot every time you hit the bell

Sean: Wait, have you been following me or something?

Golden Girls: The Musical

2008-08-22T15:44:00.000-05:00

It's a heart-warming tale of personal struggle, coming to terms with one's own humanity, and true friendship - all set to the tune of songs guaranteed to get you up out of your seat and on your feet.

And Don't Get Me Started On The Blow Dryers

2008-08-20T15:30:00.002-05:00

What's the deal with those automatic paper towel dispensers in public restrooms? They always give you that little scrap of paper that's nearly useless. Then you're left waving your hand in front of the sensor for five minutes while everyone else in the bathroom is looking at you funny.

I mean, how are you supposed to wipe all that blood and semen off your pants with a piece of paper the size of a sales receipt?

True Story

2008-08-18T11:13:00.001-05:00

So leaving The Wheel (one of those Nashville honky-tonk bars on Broadway) Friday night, the door guy stopped me and attempted to convince me to take a class from him on "how to talk to women."

Do I look that pitiful?

Shut up, who asked you?!

What's Your Name?

2008-08-15T10:33:00.003-05:00

They always say you find love where you least expect it . . .

. . . which I guess explains why you are under my bed.

eDialogue #30: Library Letters

2008-08-13T13:53:00.006-05:00

Sean: I have a new hobby for us

Sean: writing notes to strangers and leaving them in library books

Sean: like, for instance, check out a book on origami and insert our hand-drawn instructions on folding a paper penis

Sean: maybe check out a book on Hitler and leave some hand written notes on our own plans of world domination

Joey: haha

Sean: or leave a letter in The Da Vinci Code telling the next person your favorite sections to masturbate to

Joey: hmmmm

Sean: mine is chapter 9

Joey: haha

The Essentials

2008-08-11T11:23:00.004-05:00

It's always smart to keep an emergency kit in your car for when disaster strikes. Mine consists of fireworks, a case of Schlitz, and an issue of Barely Legal Hardcore.

That way if I am stranded in the middle of nowhere or trapped in my vehicle, I am set. Also, if I am killed in a car accident, the rescue crew will know I was awesome.

Souvenirs

2008-08-08T10:37:00.000-05:00

If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, why do I still have pubic lice?

Earth, Wind, And Fire

2008-08-06T13:34:00.006-05:00

After the tornado came through, we were left with nothing.

Which is why I built the tornado deflection device on our new roof.

But much like everything else, weather is a delicate ecosystem. If you collect deadly force winds from one place, they must be deposited somewhere else.

In retrospect, I can see why having the machine's exhaust point towards that elementary school's gas main was not the best of design decisions.

eDialogue #29: Rhythmology

2008-08-04T10:51:00.004-05:00

Sean: I do like this harley, though: http://www.harley-davidson.com/wcm/Content/Pages/2008_Motorcycles/2008_Motorcycles.jsp?locale=en_US

Sean: nm, that link doesn't work

Chris: just tell me which one

Sean: VRSC

Sean: I like the Night Rod Special

Chris: you strike me as more of a dyna guy...

Sean: well, the ladies do call me "wide glide"

Chris: yeah, i've been meaning to tell the ladies that that nickname isn't particularly flattering. sorry about that.

Sean: they're talking about my penis, Chris

Chris: and i know your penis has had weight issues in the past.

Sean: I think it just doesn't get enough exercise

Chris: <---- can't figure out how to combine the words "treadmill" and "vagina"

Sean: maybe stationary vag?

Sean: vagliptical machine?

Chris: elliptigina?

Chris: vagimill?

Sean: bitch presses?

The previous conversation was then sent to Cameron, inspiring the following:

Cameron: haha

Cameron: treadgina

Sean: I think that's our new band name, Cameron

Sean: Treadgina

Sean: it's a psychedelic prog rock group

Cameron: or a jazz combo

Sean: hah, yeah

Cameron: our cover art could be 3d cgi from like 1990

Sean: yes!

Cameron:

eDialogue #28: Nicknames

2008-08-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

Lauren: almost last day of school, you know

Lauren: leaving japan

Lauren: where I'm popular and have friends

Lauren: whatever, a guy I like just drunkenly made out with one of my best friends here

Lauren: so i guess it's time to hit the old dusty trail

Sean: is Dusty Trail a guy you know there?

Lauren: it's my nickname for my clitoris

Sean: hahahahaha

Honesty

2008-07-30T10:50:00.001-05:00

You told me my reasons for loving you were wrong.

But what can I say? A girl who can name all the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle villains is important to me.

eDialogue #27: I'm On To You, Ladies

2008-07-28T10:26:00.005-05:00

Upon telling her of my plan to work on my Scottish accent and tell girls I am a fighter pilot in the Royal Navy, and relaying my belief that it would result in their instantaneous removal of their pants:

Melanie: well, your scottish/pants off theory may work only if you work the James McAvoy angle

Sean: yeah, he was actually the initial inspiration for my theory

Melanie: but i have started warning the girls of nashville

Sean: I think warnings work in my favor

Sean: gives me a reputation as a bad boy they need to watch out for

Sean: girls love that stuff

Melanie: the crazy ones. is that what you want? if so, you're good.

Sean: hah

Sean: not only the crazy ones

Sean: it also attracts the young, naive, inexperienced ones

Sean: I am fine with those

Melanie: thanks for destroying the young and hopeful ones

Sean: someone has to

Sean: might as well be me

Melanie: sheesh

Super-heroes

2008-07-25T10:24:00.002-05:00

After our date to see the new Batman movie, your enthusiastic response to the character's daring heroics convinced me it was the proper moment to tell you my secret.

I too am a super-hero . . . My only weakness? A broken heart.

Unfortunately, that was also the moment I discovered your one fatal vulnerability - your own uncontrollable and deriding laughter.

Modern Myth

2008-07-23T16:21:00.001-05:00

You know how legend tells of a fantastical being called the Sandman? He supposedly visits you at night, sprinkling magical sand into your eyes and granting you a restful slumber and pleasant dreams. This allegedly is the cause of the grit commonly found in your eye upon waking the following morning.

Well, I like to believe he has a distant cousin named the Vomitman. Similar to his more well-known relative, he leaves a pool of enchanted vomit in your bed right next to your head or (if you are lucky) all over you, ensuring a night of undisturbed sleep.

I am an alcoholic.

Maybe Not That Bad

2008-07-21T14:17:00.002-05:00

As I wiped the tears from her eyes, I assured her I didn't really mean what I had said earlier about her cooking.

I mean, I've never really even tasted "what an elephant shits out after living solely on a diet of rotten fish."

When Life Hands You Lemons

2008-07-18T10:44:00.001-05:00

Unable to bring himself to kill what had once been the women he loved, Art found a reasonable compromise for the situation at hand. He simply knocked all the teeth out of his zombified lover's mouth.

Now he is left with the sole hope that even after she has "turned", she still believes that "men's brains are in their pants."

About 4.5 Billion Years Too Late

2008-07-16T10:28:00.002-05:00

Evidently there is an effort by a Christian group to put a cross into orbit around the Earth.

I think they're taking the wrong approach. Instead of spending tons of money, effort, and time to launch something into space, why don't they just change the symbol of Christianity to a communications satellite? Not only does it give the religion a more modern image, but it immediately puts hundreds of symbols of their faith into orbit all over the planet.

Then Christians won't have to worry about Muslims beating them in the religious symbol space race by putting something like a crescent moon into orbit around the Earth.

Wait . . . shit.

edialogue #26: Diseased

2008-07-14T10:17:00.005-05:00

Lauren: i guess it takes a lot to offend me

Lauren: my friends kevin and gabe are still upset that i showed them 2 girls 1 cup

Sean: ugh

Sean: I would be too

Lauren: jeez, man up

Sean: "Jeez, man up Sean, and eat someone's poop!"

Sean: "Everyone's doing it!"

Lauren: I didn't say you had to do it!

Sean: I didn't tell you about my disease?

Sean: I uncontrollably reenact any video I watch.

Lauren: hahaha

Lauren: bitch of a disease

Sean: yeah, it first started when I saw some of that Japanese tentacle hentai.

Lauren: wait, did you rape someone with your tentacles, or let someone with tentacles rape you?

Sean: let's just say I still have the school girl uniform in my closet

Lauren: hot

Lauren: all the tentacle guys i know just want to be friends

Sean: hah

Sean: I imagine some ferocious looking hell-demon with an uncomfortable look on his face saying, "uh, yeah Lauren. I've been thinking, and . . . I really like you - as a friend. I mean, seriously, I would love to violate your every orifice with my many writhing demon appendages, but I really don't want to jeopardize our friendship."

Lauren: hahahaha

Lauren: is it so much to ask for tentacles with benefits these days?

Legal Question

2008-07-11T09:38:00.002-05:00

Is child pornography still illegal if you are posting sexually explicit pictures of yourself, taken by yourself when you were underage, yet posted after you are of age?

I'm just saying, I could be sitting on a gold mine here.

eDialogue #25: Does He Think I Don't Know What Girls Like?

2008-07-09T10:31:00.002-05:00

Sean: I think I need to get slapped trying to come on to a girl in a bar

Cameron: no you don't

Sean: I think it's a part of life I need to experience

Cameron: no you don't

Cameron: ok, maybe if you wear a fake mustache and a cowboy hat

Sean: that's what I wear when I go out to bars anyways

I Can Help You

2008-07-07T08:00:00.001-05:00

In several South American countries, there is a belief that if you are bitten by the machaca insect, you have 24 hours to prevent certain death by having sex.

Hmmm, that's weird. Did I forget to mention that to you before you haplessly wandered into my machaca sanctuary?

Leave The Schoolin' To Those Nerds Over In England

2008-07-05T14:48:00.009-05:00

I hope everyone had a great Fourth Of July yesterday celebrating Paul Revere's historic ride across the Potomac to alert the Pilgrim's of the British invasion by ringing the Liberty Bell with a bottle rocket, granting the U.S. and all its people independence and freedom from oppressive rule -

... such as being forced to learn American history.

Make-Up Sex

2008-07-02T14:58:00.002-05:00

I don't know why everyone is always talking about make-up sex like it's so great. I've never really enjoyed it all that much.

The sweat always smears my eye-liner, and my lipstick is always getting all over everything.

Caveat Emptor

2008-06-30T11:14:00.006-05:00

After moving into my house, I found a letter written by a kid who lived there previously hidden in a drawer. It was a rather cute letter, briefly telling about his experiences growing up there and relaying his confidence that the house's new owner would take good care of it.

The last line was a bit unsettling, however. It read: "P.S. The house likes to talk at night." Admittedly, I was a little creeped out.

I think I will probably carry on this act of good-will whenever I eventually move out, by writing and placing my own similar letter. I will probably change the final line, however, to reflect something a little more mature and not clouded by the fancy of a child's overactive imagination. It will probably read something like this:

This is a great little place, full of character. I hope it brings you the same happiness and loving memories that it has brought me over the years.

-Sean

P.S. An ancient evil lurks within, and the lifeless moans that echo through the hallways at night divulge the eternal pain it suffers trapped within this earthly prison.

Even Horse Will Be Jealous Of My Hose!

2008-06-27T10:16:00.009-05:00

Ordering discounted penis enlargement pills via a link in a poorly worded email in your spam folder:

Everyone is allowed to make that mistake ~~once~~ twice, right?

eDialogue #24: Rapture Bash

2008-06-25T10:32:00.002-05:00

Chris: http://www.youvebeenleftbehind.com/index-1.html

Chris: it says you can send the most important e-mail to 12 people. what sort of rapturing-waiting-for christian has 12 heathens as their closest friends?

Sean: I want to sign up, so I can send an email to all my friends saying something like "Guess we fucked up, huh?"

Chris: or "kegger at my house today"

Irreparable Damage

2008-06-23T10:32:00.002-05:00

I am really excited about having kids someday, but kind of nervous of all the responsibility that comes with it. The most difficult part of being a parent has to be protecting them from the negative influence of those who would do them harm - such as those who would attempt to make them watch the Star Wars series in order of ascending episode number instead of in order of release date.

eDialogue #23: Now Taking Clients

2008-06-21T22:30:00.005-05:00

Upon sending her a link to yesterday's post:

Melanie: I think perhaps Sean needs a new hobby

Sean: When I am so good at this one?

Melanie: "good"?

Sean: I'm thinking I might have a future in the business of having couples pay me to come up with personalized romantic role-playing scenarios.

Melanie: we are doomed as a culture

Sean: haha

The Love Doctor Is In

2008-06-20T13:03:00.005-05:00

After Wednesday's post I got to thinking about role-playing in the bedroom and decided that the general public could benefit from my over-active (read sexually frustrated) imagination. So here are some of my personal fantasies that I think would be great role-playing scenarios for couples. Most of them do not have to be gender specific, so you can further spice things up by switching roles.

NOTE: For all you budding novelists out there, these would also be great starting points for romance novels.

royal food taster / would-be assassin
hot, yet bashful librarian / the ghost of Melvil Dewey
stoner / snack food distributor
homosexual / naive religious zealot who thinks they can "convince" a homosexual to change their sinful orientation
person with the power to turn invisible / person with heat vision, so therefore can see invisible people, but aforementioned invisible person does not know it
big game hunter / wildlife agent - (forbidden love!)
mad scientist who has discovered the "sexy" gene / test subject #4
two elves who got accidently locked overnight inside Santa's new "adult toys" workshop
Wolverine / astronaut
young cop new to the force / teenager who would "get in so much trouble" if their parents found out they got busted drinking and skinny dipping at the local pond
alien who crash landed his ship into a barn / widowed farm woman who, after her husband's death, swore she'd never love another human being again - (interstellar love!)
nerdy programmer with stupid blog / cute blonde girl with glasses who smiled at you in the park, so you were about to go up and talk to her, but then her muscular and perfectly tanned boyfriend showed up, and he looked like a total asshole

Yeah, you laugh, but you know there's at least one of those you actually want to try.

My Kind Of Economics

2008-06-18T09:16:00.004-05:00

Do you think President Bush and his wife ever do a little role-playing in the bedroom where Laura is the U.S. Congress, and he's trying to convince her to accept his "stimulus package" ?

They're After My Secrets, Plaque

2008-06-16T10:21:00.001-05:00

Do you ever suspect that dentists are actually inserting microchips with tracking or audio listening devices in your teeth instead of simply "filling a cavity"?

Uh . . . yeah, me neither.

eDialogue #22: You Have To Commit To The Lie

2008-06-13T09:35:00.006-05:00

Sean: I wonder what people's first impression of me is

Lauren: I thought you were quiet when i met you

Sean: quiet is just my front

Sean: to keep the riff raff away

Lauren: that doesn't make any sense

Lauren: then you'll just lure in riff raff who like quiet people

Sean: well, that's when I ask them if they are into "watersports"

Sean: that usually scares them away

Sean: what really sucked is the one time the person answered "yes"

Sean: that was an uncomfortable night

eDialogue #21: If Wishes Were TMW

2008-06-12T09:44:00.001-05:00

Lauren: I get a lot of hits

Lauren: but it's usually people stealing my images of lolcats and posting them on people's myspace

Sean: maybe you should give your readers what they want and make more lolcats pictures

Lauren: OR i can change the lolcat urls to merman penises, and spice up some myspace profiles.

Sean: make sure they are throbbing

Lauren: I'll have throbbing, flaccid, bending to the right - every color in the merman penis rainbow

Sean: ah, I remember the first time I saw a merman penis rainbow

Lauren: did you make a wish?

Sean: no, the merman penis rainbow was actually a result of a previous wish

eDialogue #20: TMW For Short

2008-06-11T11:40:00.003-05:00

Sean: I found something for you

Sean: http://images.elfwood.com/art/j/a/jadegoblin/pretzel_pluselfwood.jpg

Lauren: jesus!

Lauren: are you trying to get me fired?

Lauren: ...what exactly were you searching for there, Sean?

Sean: uh . . . I was searching for a picture of the band "Throbbing Merman Wang"

Lauren: suuuure you were

Sean: their new album is really good!

eDiaogue #19: Finger Puppet Musical

2008-06-10T10:37:00.001-05:00

Lauren: so here's my latest idea

Lauren: I'm gonna crochet finger puppets and dress them up like characters in a musical

Lauren: and then i'm going to video tape myself making them sing and dance

Sean: so what you are saying is you pretty much never want to have sex again?

eDialogue #18: Maybe It's A Supernova

2008-06-09T16:39:00.010-05:00

I've decided to make this week "Conversations With Lauren" week here at Thoughts That Todd Hasn't Had. So without further ado:

Lauren: but, sean, you can't program a robot to love

Sean: no, you can

Sean: exhibit A: http://a3.vox.com/6a00cd9708535d4cd500d4142cd213685e-500pi

Lauren: haha

Lauren: wtf is that url

Lauren: nothing makes sense

Lauren: is it an image?

Sean: did it show up for you?

Sean: if so, why question it? Love doesn't make sense, Lauren.

Sean: it's like a black hole in space where the laws of physics and quantum mechanics break down

Sean: and you feel like your body is being stretched until every one of your particles breaks apart in a violent explosion

Sean: That's what love is, Lauren.

Sean: a catastrophic trip through a bitch of an event horizon

Sean: you just have to pray that you come out on the other end recombined in some semblance of your former self

Sean: and not as dark matter

Sean: no one will ever love dark matter

Lauren: I actually can't tell if you're quoting some wikipedia article or about to break down in tears

Harley Style. COOL!

2008-06-05T23:21:00.004-05:00

So I'm considering buying a motor scooter, and in my process of scouring the internet for potential candidates, I came across this gem: 200cc Harley Style Motorcycle MC_200

Now, admittedly I don't know much about motorcycles (or anything about them really), but my instinct tells me one should probably be wary of one that has the words "real Motorcycle!" as one of its key features.

That Honey Has To Represent Something

2008-06-04T10:25:00.004-05:00

Did you guys know that there are books that attempt to teach philosophical concepts using Winnie the Pooh and other characters from the series?

That's all fine and good, but we should definitely be wary of following the philosophy of a cartoon character. Have we forgotten how Hitler's fascination with the popular 1930's cartoon character "Meinard The Master Race Raccoon" turned out?

Death Can't Find Him

2008-06-02T13:27:00.001-05:00

So I went skydiving this past weekend. It was pretty fun, though I had trouble really enjoying myself during the fall because I couldn't get one thought out of my head the entire time:

You know, that movie Waterworld really wasn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be.

The Burden Of Pragmatism

2008-05-30T10:52:00.000-05:00

I have a true story for you.

When I was probably about seven years old, a kid I knew told me about his dream to build a secret high-tech spy base hidden inside what essentially was a robotic tree. To the casual passerby, though, this base would appear as just an ordinary tree. He then asked me if I wanted to help him start work on it.

I casually informed him that such a tree-base would be impossible for two seven year olds to build in any feasible way. He then reminded me of the adage "Nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it."

I told him he was an idiot.

Some people just need to have their spirits crushed early on in life.

I Can Dance All Night Long

2008-05-28T12:35:00.002-05:00

I think a good indication of how you are in bed is how you are on the dance floor. A passionate dancer means passionate in bed. A wild dancer means wild in bed. An apprehensive dancer means apprehensive in bed.

I am the perfect example of this correlation, except in my case it's the girl's response that seems to be consistent in both situations.

There I am, out on the floor doing my thing, but the ladies never want to join in. They just stand on the side watching, pointing, and laughing.

eDiaogue #17: Making Sure Things Are Clear

2008-05-26T22:03:00.001-05:00

Todd: did you listen to that song?

Sean: I did

Sean: remember, I told you how the end rocked

Sean: my cock off

Todd: ohh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Sean: I no longer have a cock

Todd: sorry about that

Sean: just balls

Todd: yea

Todd: yea i got that

Sean: so anyways, you owe me a cock

Todd: k

Sean: but not balls

Sean: I still have those

eDiaogue #16: Minotaur Art Part 2

2008-05-23T09:39:00.008-05:00

Sean: oh wow

Sean: http://www.paleothea.com/Pictures/AriadneMinotaurVallejo.jpg

Cameron: wow

Cameron: that painting is so vivid i can smell the minotaur's drool

Sean: man, that makes me want to start a metal band just so I can license that picture as the album cover

Cameron: haha

eDiaogue #15: Minotaur Art Part 1

2008-05-22T10:31:00.006-05:00

Cameron: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article3964693.ece

Sean: minotaurs are coming soon!

Cameron: yayyy!

Sean: I've been needing a new guard for my maze-like catacombs.

Cameron: your maze of twisty passages, all alike?

Cameron: are the grues not doing their job?

Sean: I don't know, I'm just up for something more, you know . . . traditional.

Cameron: it doesn't get any more traditional than a minotaur

Sean: I need something that looks good in a loin cloth holding an over-sized battle axe.

Sean: this is how I imagine it http://images.epilogue.net/users/lofgren3/minotaur_attack_final900dpi.jpg

Cameron: that picture kicks ass

Sean: I know

Cameron: man

Cameron: I'm just gonna look at this picture for a bit

50th Celebration

2008-05-21T07:30:00.000-05:00

In celebration of my 50th post, I would like to extend a special invitation to all my attractive female readers and to Christian Bale for a date with yours truly. All interested parties please let me know.

To qualify you must be willing to wear a bathing suit and not have a problem with participation in hot oil wrestling.

The Ball Pit Killer

2008-05-19T11:14:00.006-05:00

I think if I was a serial killer (which I am not! ), I would hack up my victims and hide their body parts at the bottom of those children's ball pits.

It would almost be like a scavenger hunt. "Hey kids, will you be the one to find the final piece of the puzzle?"

And by puzzle, I mean bloody dismembered body.

Sunday School

2008-05-15T12:50:00.002-05:00

Following Todd's lead, I thought I would try my hand at writing a new children's Sunday school song:

In this great big world
It's not hard to get distracted
From the thought that the Lord is by your side.

So when things get rough
Just remember the fact that
He has a plan for you in the by and by.

Some things in life
Might seem a bit peculiar,
Not knowing the whole of His design.

But rest assured
When your tummy starts to fool ya'
Everything is gonna come out just fine.

Farts are part of God's plan!
Farts are part of God's plan!
It's all there by the master's hand.
So whenever you've got to toot,
But you really don't think you should,
Always remember that farts...
Are part of God's plan.

Some folks may say
That gas is ugly or sinful,
Just like the very nature of man.

But they should know
That the process is useful
'Cause it lends digestion a helpin' hand.

Don't you forget
Farts are part of God's creation,
None of which should ever be ignored.

So don't hesitate
When you get the sensation,
Let it out for the glory of the Lord!

Farts are part of God's plan!
Farts are part of God's plan!
It's all there by the master's hand.
So whenever you've got to toot,
But you really don't think you should,
Always remember that farts...
Are part of God's plan.

Always remember that farts...
Are part of God's plan.

eDialogue #14: I Thought It Was Supposed To Be Symbolic

2008-05-14T07:00:00.001-05:00

Casey: Did you know that rats' testicles get smaller in the winter?

Sean: Shit.

Sean: Really?

Casey: Yep.

Sean: Man, this is one fucked up world we live in.

God's Work

2008-05-12T13:10:00.000-05:00

Has any one else noticed how the heads of cults always claim to be a prophet from God, yet simultaneously have some reason why they have to sleep with all of the underage girls in their congregation?

Sure, when a prophet does it, they're doing "God's work", but when I do it I'm a perv.

Sexy Hobos Revisited

2008-05-10T11:34:00.003-05:00

While writing my last entry, I tried to find a picture of a sexy hobo Halloween costume to post with it. Unfortunately I came up empty handed. Evidently this is not a very popular costume.

I know Halloween is still quite a ways away, but I'm just saying, ladies - it's an untapped costume idea.

The Hard Luck Cafe

2008-05-09T11:18:00.002-05:00

So I have a great idea for a chain of theme restaurants, a la The Hard Rock Cafe and Planet Hollywood.

It's a series of hobo themed eateries. Patrons will dine in replicas of train cars, and I don't mean like dining cars. I mean the kind of cars you imagine palates of horse feed being shipped in. You will sit on empty crates, and the tables will be made up of bags of grain stacked on top of each other.

All the waitresses will be dressed as sexy hobos, and similar to Hard Rock and Planet Hollywood, the walls will be covered with famous hobo paraphernalia. The food will be your standard casual dining American faire except maybe everyone gets a free pail of boiled shoe leather with a shot of whiskey before their meal.

So Far The Evidence Points In My Favor

2008-05-07T10:09:00.002-05:00

You know the problem with thinking you might be immortal?

Testing it.

Smooth

2008-05-05T01:24:00.007-05:00

So I cut my beard off yesterday. Mainly because I've thought of a really great pick-up line. So far, however, it doesn't seem to be working very well. You read it, and see if you can help me figure out why:

Girl I've Met Before: Hey, you shaved your beard.

Me: That's not all I shaved. *wink*

eDiaogue #13: Fanfic

2008-05-03T12:08:00.003-05:00

Sean: Is it just me, or is it way too difficult to find decent Head Of The Class erotic fan fiction out there?

Joey: ......

eDiaogue #12: New Condiment Idea?

2008-05-02T00:08:00.000-05:00

Sean: want to come eat sub depot with me?

Joey: not really

Joey: I'm not hungry yet

Joey: and if I'm going to pay money for food it's got to be a lot better

Joey: and I'm going to be eating out tonight

Joey: it's a trifecta of doom

Sean: fine then

Sean: I'll just eat by myself

Sean: and season my sandwich with my salty tears of loneliness

eDiaogue #11: Early Warning Signs

2008-05-01T00:43:00.004-05:00

Sean: http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/04/28/austria.cellar/index.html

Joey: it was crazy enough without the electronic keyless entry dungeon

Sean: don't we all dream of having our own electronic keyless entry dungeon?

Sean: I remember in The Sims, I created a character in the neighborhood who had a hidden dungeon in his basement

Sean: he would invite people over from the neighborhood and lock them in

Sean: maybe I should keep that to myself from now on

eDiaogue #10: Nap Time

2008-04-30T12:46:00.001-05:00

Joey: I hate naps

Joey: they make me feel like crap

Sean: I LOVE naps

Joey: yeah

Joey: because you have a sleep disorder

Sean: no I doasdq258 32[[[[[[[

Joey: haha

Sean: *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Don't Be Jealous

2008-04-29T22:05:00.009-05:00

I've decided to make this week "Conversations With Joey Week" here at Thoughts That Todd Hasn't Had. Accordingly, I will continue to post iChat conversations with Joey for the rest of this week. This is a great honor for Joey. Please everyone congratulate him for being such an inspiration for inane, fatuous comments.

eDialogue #9: The Best Laid Plans...

2008-04-29T10:02:00.003-05:00

Joey: oh hey

Joey: if the weather holds up, we're going to the Sounds game tonight

Joey: it's dollar dog night

Sean: awesome

Sean: I was going anyways

Sean: with a bunch of other people

Sean: it looks as if the fates have aligned

Joey: it's supposed to be storming and raining though

Joey: so, we'll see

Sean: damn storms

Sean: always ruining my plans to kill everyone I know in one simultaneous, orchestrated effort

Joey: haha

Sean: oh . . . I mean . . . uh, nothing . . . I didn't say anything

eDialogue #8: Meta Post Gone Wild

2008-04-28T08:00:00.006-05:00

Sean: I really hate Girls Gone Wild commercials

Sean: they are so obnoxious

Joey: haha

Sean: god, I swear there are two of these commercials every commercial break

Joey: probably

Joey: watching comedy central?

Sean: no, Spike

Joey: oh, even worse

Sean: Attack Of The Clones is on

Joey: haha

Sean: I guess they are targeting lonely nerds

Sean: like me

Joey: yes

Sean: the worst part is now I can't even listen to that steel drum compilation album I have without cringing

Joey: haha

Joey: sometimes I feel like you're testing blog ideas on me

Sean: yeah

Sean: that's going to be a blog

Sean: tomorrow morning

Sean: I think I'm going to just copy and paste the chat

Sean: phone it in

Reasons Why Lists Make Good Posts

2008-04-25T08:00:00.003-05:00

No need for complete sentences
No need to coherently segue between thoughts
Lower carbon emissions
You can include completely random things that have no actual bearing on the subject and pass them off as funny or clever.
Numbers are pretty.
Chicks dig guys who can count.
People may think they are actually learning something.
"Lists" rhymes with "fists," which is who you will be meeting if you give me any more sass.

Reasons Why You Should Tell Your Friends About Thoughts That Todd Hasn't Had

2008-04-23T08:00:00.004-05:00

It's a good place to meet local singles.
Microsoft is testing a new email tracking system, and Bill Gates will pay you $5 for every person you email regarding Thoughts That Todd Hasn't Had and $3 for every person they email. It really works!
It's likely that they have had thoughts that Todd hasn't had as well.
Makes a good conversation piece at dinner parties
Thursday night is ladies' night.
It acts as a natural antioxidant.
I need constant attention to reaffirm my self-worth.
Let's face it, your friends don't have anything better to do.

Re My Nipples

2008-04-21T08:00:00.005-05:00

So I have been jogging quite a bit lately, and much like ordinary people do, I tend to sweat a lot during extended periods of physical activity. This inevitably makes my shirt damp, and as it rubs against my body, chafes my nipples.

This hurts. My areolas burn with the heat of a thousand suns.

Does anyone know if there is some surgery I can get to have my nipples removed? On the bad side, the ladies might be a little freaked out upon seeing a guy with no nipples when I take my shirt off. On the good side, I'll look like a Thundercat!

The Drop Undead Comedy Of The Year

2008-04-18T09:35:00.002-05:00

You know what I hate about that band "Vampire Weekend"?

They've totally ruined the title for my movie sequel idea Vampire Weekend At Bernie's.

The Real World

2008-04-16T23:48:00.002-05:00

So I'm watching the first episode of the latest season of MTV's The Real World. They've already gotten naked twice.

Man, it's just like the actual real world.

At least for me.

Wait, why is my house full of naked people?

Missing Days

2008-04-16T01:32:00.006-05:00

I think we need a new supernatural phenomena / government conspiracy theory along the lines of things like Bigfoot, crop circles, and moon landings.

Now, this won't be believable if everyone does it at once, so pick a random day some time in the next five or six years. On this day do not leave your house or make any contact with any person. In fact, you should not even be seen by or interact with another human being in any way. If you have a roommate, this may mean you have to stay silent in your room all day. If you are married, you most likely will have to do it together. If you have kids, threaten to hurt them if they tell. You can't even use the internet on this day because such use may be tracked, so be sure to stock up on porn magazines ahead of time. For all intents and purposes, there should be no direct evidence of your existence on this day.

The following morning, get up at the normal time for the previous day. This is where you really have to sell it. From that point you must act as if nothing is out of the ordinary for you, and you fully believe that it is actually the previous day until someone has sufficiently "convinced" you otherwise. Once you have "realized" that it is actually the day after you thought it to be, act rather confused, swearing you have absolutely no recollection whatsoever of the previous day. Assert how you remember going to bed two days prior, then waking up this morning. Then ponder if it is in fact possible that you somehow have inadvertently slept through an entire day or if you are suffering from some sort of memory loss.

There are several decent scenarios for "discovering" this loss of time. You can show up to work at the wrong time or on a day it is not even open. For example, if it is closed on Saturdays, show up to your place of business and inadvertently set off the alarm upon entry, leaving the police that respond to deal with explaining to you why no one else is there. You can also show up for meetings that were scheduled for the previous day or completely miss ones that day. Schedule early morning plans with your friends for the missing day, then call them pissed off the following day when none of them show up. You can even take a more subtle approach and simply let out an exasperated sigh upon glancing at your cell phone when in conversation with someone. When the other person predictably asks you, "What's wrong?", reply with something like, "Oh, nothing. It's just my cell phone. It's been weird all day. It says it's Tuesday for some reason." When the other person insists that it is in fact Tuesday, ensue with your remarks of dismissal and eventual disbelief.

NOTE: If an opportunity to reveal your predicament never realistically presents itself, then you most likely just live a sad and lonely life, and no one cares that you have experienced such an unusual event.

Once people are aware of your predicament it is very likely they will show a reasonable deal of concern. It is best to brush it off as something admittedly odd, yet not circumstances to be overly concerned about. Surely there is a reasonable explanation to it. Agree to see a doctor if they insist, but I would suggest later being vague when reporting the doctor's findings. Claim you were scheduled to have an MRI, but the machine oddly stopped working properly once it began. Or say that in the middle of the examination, a nurse came in to tell your doctor of an extremely urgent phone call waiting for him. Upon returning, your doctor was acting very strange, and simply told you that you were fine and needed to leave immediately.

To further this phenomena's legitimacy into mainstream paranormal culture, one can continue to exhibit slightly odd behavior. I suggest either the occasional mention of lingering suspicions that people are following you, or coincidentally complaining of intense headaches when electronics malfunction or light bulbs go out. Paranormal enthusiasts will eat that shit up. Just be sure not to overdo it and keep things vague. Soon the varied suspicions and accounts will be spread, embellished, and conveyed as fact, eventually leading to a late night special on the Discovery channel about it. There is no need to ever offer a potential explanation of the missing days, as believers no doubt will provide a countless number of these. Is it aliens? Time travel? A journey into the spirit world? Or is the government kidnapping citizens to use as subjects in their covert thought-control experiments?

There are potential pitfalls for an individual attempting to carry out this plan. Let me take a few moments to address a couple of the more common ones. First of all, there is the potential for people to think that you are injured or in danger when they are unable to get in contact with you. This could result in a forced entry into the home or room you are "hiding-out" in. My suggestion if this happens is to be found in a complete trance state, staring off into the distance. Suddenly snap into consciousness only at the moment the individual makes physical contact with you. Mention something about the last thing you remember being a man in a trench coat coming to your door or a bright light outside. Secondly, many will no doubt find it difficult to sequester one's self for an entire day. I suggest reading a book. If you still are having trouble making it through, I suggest drinking large quantities of booze.

NOTE: If you are already known to frequently drink large quantities of booze, then your lack of memory of an entire day may not come to a surprise to many.

New Product Line Idea

2008-04-10T16:34:00.007-05:00

Also Look For:
Catfee: the coffee for cats
Biskittens: the biscuits for cats
Meowffins: the muffins for cats

Drunk Post

2008-04-08T01:19:00.003-05:00

In honour of my first post made while drunk, I am going to use the British spelling of honor.

I am also going to give you a piece of advice. When you get the munchies and haven't been to the grocery in several weeks, a peanut, pickle, and lima bean burrito does NOT sit well after numerous pints of beer. Trust me on this one.

The jury is still out on how it would be with scotch, though.

First Kiss

2008-04-06T13:09:00.003-05:00

You know what the best / worst part of a new relationship is? The first kiss.

Best because it's a physical confirmation of the emotions you've been feeling that leaves you with the sweet anticipation of future romantic blossoms without shattering naive illusions of their means of fruition.

Worst because you know the nerve toxins your lips secrete are slowly and painfully going to kill her.

Shift + Ctrl + Alt + ❤ ?

2008-04-04T14:31:00.003-05:00

I think there should be a heart key on computer keyboards.

Then Shift + ❤ could be a broken heart,

Ctrl + ❤ could be a shortcut to trigger the playing of emotion dulling music,

and Alt + ❤ could like . . . make you gay or something.

eDialogue #7: Beard-rotica

2008-04-03T17:46:00.004-05:00

Upon sending a picture of my current progress in my attempt to grow a beard:

Sean: that's after 1 month

Casey: Hey that's pretty nice man. I think you should keep it for at least seven years, if not eight.

Casey: "Successful Beards should be maintained for no shorter a duration than six years, preferably for seven to eight years. Any more than that...you are just plain pushing your luck" (Beard Almanac 2008 ed).

Sean: I don't think my beard is long enough yet to fall under the jurisdiction of the National Beard Regulatory Committee.

Casey: Those guys are a bunch of dinosaurs who take no notice of the ever-changing socio-definitional context of beards.

Sean: I think their existence is unconstitutional really

Sean: beard legislation should be a state issue

Casey: They pride themselves on the old theories of beards when really their meetings are just an excuse to stroke their own beautiful, succulent, well groomed white beards together.

Sean: mmm, Casey you're turning me on

Sean: you should write beard-rotica

Casey: Hey Sean, I want to penetrate your beard.

Love By Infection

2008-04-02T12:28:00.003-05:00

I don't mind that you've been bitten by a zombie.

At least now I know you'll want me.

The Plan Is Working

2008-03-27T17:20:00.002-05:00

Hey Todd, you think you could update your blog for frequently than never?

I'm sick of seeing that picture of your mom in the latest entry.

eDialogue #6: Thy Will Be Done

2008-03-27T13:01:00.004-05:00

Sean: so you thought the room you booked was for two, but it only had one single bed?

Lauren: well, it was a double bed

Lauren: but i assumed it was two

Sean: it's like God WANTED you to make-out

Sean: you probably would have been making Him angry by not making-out

Sean: you probably just prevented yourself from getting cancer or something

Lauren: oh, thank goodness

Baby Carrots

2008-03-25T13:58:00.003-05:00

It's always a bit disconcerting when I am eating baby carrots and come across one that's shaped like a fat kid's finger.

I still eat it though.

I wouldn't want a fat kid's finger to go to waste either.

eDialogue #5: Mmm, That's Good Coqz Heaumez

2008-03-21T10:49:00.003-05:00

Cameron: http://www.godecookery.com/helmeted/helmeted.htm

Sean: wow

Cameron: I'm not sure if that dish could be more awesome

Sean: I'm going to start calling my penis "Coqz Heaumez"

Sean: or "the Helmeted Cock"

Cameron: I suspect that will have limited to no impact on any conversations I may have with you

Sean: probably so

Sean: still, it will be there in the back of your mind

Sean: eating away

Cameron: undoubtedly

New TV Show Idea

2008-03-19T12:54:00.005-05:00

Wishlist

2008-03-16T16:55:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone! I just made an Amazon wishlist for myself. So go check it out: